Wasteland Wiki

While you travel across Colorado, you will receive various radio broadcasts. This page transcribes them.

Non-interactive[ | ]

Amateur weapon modding[ | ]


"Hey, gun fans! Doctor Frankenshooter here with another episode of Monster Gun Mods! I know it's been a while since I did an update on the napalm cannon build."
"Hey, gun fans! Frankenshooter here. Time to get to work on this nail minigun!"
"Hey, gun fans! It's Frankenshooter! Time to test this bitchin' nail minigun build! You ready to hear some mayhem?" ::minigun spins::

"You heard of nail guns, right? Well, I'm gonna build a nail minigun! That's right! Stay tuned!"
"First, I gotta hook up a high-pressure line to the gun... um, somehow. It's gonna take a lotta welding an' shit and, uh, drilling some holes in this thing... Anyway, I'll figure it out. Stay tuned!"
"Those burns I got last episode took a long time to heal, bro. But! While I was waiting for the skin grafts to set, I got an idea for an even more radical build!"
"Oh shi-" ::BOOM::
"Ohhh god, not again..."
"Oh yeah! Here we go!" ::pipe bursts::

Drunk teenager bunker[ | ]


"Yo! This is for Dwayne... and Monty... and the rest of you chickenshits!"
"You didn't think we could get inside that old Army bunker. Well, guess where we are, motherfuckers! Bunker Busters RULE!" ::drunken cheers::
"::belch:: "Gimme another fuckin' Boors, dude." ::teens laugh::
"Place is a shithole. Nothin' but dust an' rat turds. Just one door left we're tryin' to get open."
"Get the fuckin' door open, pussy! Use the damn crowbar!"
"What the fuck!? A fuckin' robot!" ::robo-beeps::
"What the fuck's it doin' down here?"
"See if it wants some fuckin' Boors!" ::robo-boops::
"Oh shit! Oh SHIT! Run, dude! RUN!" ::teens scream::

Gippers' anti-communist propaganda[ | ]


"Stay vigiliant, citizens! Communists are everywhere! They hate and fear us because we are free!"
"Take a stand against the commie gangs that are undermining our community!"
"The shining city on the hill was built by rugged American self-reliance."
"All right-thinking Americans must stand united against the communist robot menace!"
"Trust in the Gipper, and may the God-President bless America!"
"They want our oil, citizens, which is the lifeblood of freedom! Join the fight, and help us win one for the Gipper!"
"All these refugees asking for handouts can only lead to one thing: communism!"
"These godless machines will not rest until they've turned our shining city into a commune! Better dead than red!"

Godfisher instructions[ | ]


"Heed the words of the prophet, brothers and sisters! Make your kites strong, so the offerings they bear will reach the heavens above!"
"Take you the supple skin of the sacrifice. Carve it in a single piece from belly and back, and stretch it upon a rack of metal or wood."
"Scrape the skin clean and anoint it with sacred oils, then leave it under the blessed sky for seven days and nights."
"Take the long bones of leg and arm, and lash the torso onto the kite. Thus will the workings of the flesh bear your gift aloft into the presence of the gods!"

Godfisher sermon[ | ]


"For verily I say unto you: the gods have turned their faces from this fallen world, and only the works of the righteous will bring them back again!"
"For the smell of blood is sweet, and the screams of the dying are like sweet music to the divine! By our gifts shall we be judged, brothers and sisters! So says the prophet!"
"And so, let us gather the fruits of the flesh, and with our labor create a heavenly chorus that no god can deny! Only then, will we be worthy of sun and rain, of green fields, and a bountiful harvest!"
"Cast forth your lines, brothers and sisters! Amen!"

Big Foot hunt[ | ]


"Script Node 1
"Hey, gang! Time for another episode of Rocky Mountain Monsters! We're in a part of the mountains where there have been sightings of a huge, hairy giant lurking in the woods."
"You're back with Rocky Mountain Monsters! We're way deep in the woods now, and there's footprints all over the place."
"Big update here from Rocky Mountain Monsters! Shit's starting to get real, monster fans!"
        "::distant roars:: "Holy shit! Holy shit! I saw it! The son of a bitch came right into the camp! It must've been seven - no, eight - feet tall! Covered in hair! Claws and big, big fucking teeth! Tore Steve's head clean off, and now it's after me!"
"The locals say it's a mutant cannibal hobo called Melvin. I say... it's Bigfoot! Stay tuned!"
"Steve's done some calls and some wood knocks, and we've gotten some crazy responses! Bigfoot's here, monster fans! Stay tuned!"
"We've been hearing heavy footsteps in the woods close by, and we've found prints all around our camp. We've gotten Bigfoot's attention, and he's checking us out. Stay tuned!"
"Fuck bigfoot! Melvin is REAL!"
"Fuck Bigfoot! Melvin is REAL!"

International broadcast[ | ]


"Hello... hello... hello?"
"I-Is there anyone still out there? This is..."
"... have supplies... find me... Coordinates follow..."
"... don't know... anyone still out there?"
"Something's changed... I can feel it..."
"... shifted sideways..."
"Are you... are you listening?"
"I have been condemned to live."

Mountain folk rambling[ | ]


"Script Node 1
"Hey, y'all! Found me some old brake fluid in the barn! Bring yer cups! We're gonna have us a hoe-down!"
"Hey, y'all. How long you s'sposed to leave a feller on the fire 'fore his skin crisps up? He's about five-ten an' a hunnert thirty pounds. 'Preciate the help!"
"Yee-haw! I got some big news, y'all! Sister Ella Mae said yes! We gettin' hitched next month, 'fore the baby comes! We'll be sendin' out invitations n'shit real soon!"
"Looks like Maebelle got out of her pen last night. If anybody sees her, throw a rope 'round her neck and bring her back to the house, okay?"
"Sorry fer the trouble. Can't still figure how she picked the dang lock."

No oil family[ | ]


"This is the Morris family. The oil's been cut off, and the cold's gettin' real bad."
"Can't cook. Can't keep warm. I done drained the truck dry to buy us a few more days. If... if we don't get some help soon, we ain't gonna make it."
"Does anybody got any oil to spare? Just a couple o' gallons. I'll give you anything you want. Anything at all."
"Don't know how much longer the jenny's gonna run, so this might be my last broadcast. Please... I got kids here. Help us."
        "Trigger Conv Node 5
        "Trigger Conv Node 6"

NORAD early warning[ | ]


"::air raid siren:: "This message is from the North American Air Defense Command. This is an attack warning. Repeat: this is an attack warning."
"A nuclear attack is now underway. Proceed to the nearest civil defense shelter immediately."
"This is not a drill. Stay tuned to this frequency for additional updates and instructions."
"This message will repeat." ::short tones::"

Numbers station[ | ]


"Zero... Zero... Zero..."
"Seven... Nine... Four..."
"Seven... Nine... Four..."

"Zero... Zero... Zero..."
"Eight... Eight... Eight..."
"Zero... Zero... Zero..."

Porter family save[ | ]


"This here's the Porter homestead, outside Denver. The oil's flowin' again!"
"Honest to god, I didn't think we'd last another day. Now we got our heat back, and enough to spare to run the generator at night."
"The missus is cookin' up somethin' special to celebrate! Oh, it's gonna feel good to have some hot food again!"
"I don't know who got the oil flowin' again, but as far as this old farmer's concerned, you're a bunch of goddamned heroes! Thank you!"

Patriarch fireside chats[ | ]


"Citizens of Colorado, this is your Patriarch, wishing you safety and warmth on this cold night. I want to assure you that our borders are secure, our fuel tanks are overflowing, and there is plenty of food and water for everyone."
"Citizens of Colorado, this is your Patriarch. No one alive can remember what it was like before the war, but my parents remembered, and they filled me with stories of how it used to be."
"Citizens of Colorado, this is your Patriarch. I know many of our more adventurous, entrepreneurial citizens are drawn to prospecting, herding, and even homesteading on and beyond our eastern border, and I admire your frontier spirit."
"Citizens of Colorado, this is your Patriarch. Have you ever thought how privileged you are? How fortunate? You live in the greatest state in America. Indeed, it could be said that Colorado is the only America!"
"It has been a long, hard road getting to this point, with many sacrifices along the way, but the toil has been worth it. Colorado is the envy of all its neighbors, and its people live a life those outside its borders can't imagine."
"And those memories became my guide for how things could be again. Safety, security, friendly neighbors from coast to coast, and lives that weren't just filled with struggle, but joy, abundance, leisure."
"But I want to warn you that the dangers there are great, and while it is true I and the Marshals long ago defeated the gangs of the plains, their remnants still prowl there, and will attack anyone who ventures too far east."
"But that is a sad and lonely state of affairs. Colorado should not be alone. It should be one of many states, all prosperous and free, and enjoying the life we fortunate few are beginning to take for granted."
"Thank you, Colorado, and goodnight. This has been your Patriarch, signing off."
"Enjoy it. It has been my life's work bringing it to you, and it does my old heart good, knowing you are living happy lives. It is all I ever wanted."
        "::chuckles:: "Well, I know we're not quite there. We can't take vacations in Colorado yet. We can't walk the streets without a gun at our side, but those days are coming, I promise you - as long as you stand with me and stay the course."
"Please. Walk with me just a little further. The future is just over the next hill."
"So, I ask you, I beg you, seek your opportunities here, in the heart of the state, where we can keep you safe. There is still plenty of good land unclaimed, and valuable resources still in the ground, just waiting for you."
"That is why the torch of liberty that we have lit here, must light other torches in other states and territories, so that the flame of civilization spreads far and wide, and makes the world a kinder, more welcoming place."
"Trade must be established, and democracy must be encouraged, while corruption and rule by fiat must be wiped out. We cannot stand alone against barbarism, so we must grow the allies we need, or we will perish."

Patriarch recruitment call[ | ]


"Citizens of Colorado, this is your Patriarch speaking. The flame of liberty burns bright in our fair state, but not without help from you."
"Citizens of Colorado, this is your Patriarch speaking. The Colorado Marshals are the bulwark that protects our borders and keeps us safe in our beds."
"Citizens of Colorado, this is your Patriarch speaking. It's a hero's life in the Colorado Marshals, the finest security force in America."
"Citizens of Colorado, this is your Patriarch speaking. Hard as it is for me to admit, life isn't always easy in Colorado - or fair."
"If you would protect that flame, tend it, and keep it burning strong, then join the Colorado Marshals, the defenders of all our freedoms."
"Visit your local marshal station today, and ask them what it takes to join. And make me proud."
"If you believe you are strong enough to stand against the darkness and savagery that assail us from all sides, then join us. It would be an honor to have you at our side."
"If you're looking for action, adventure, excitement, and the camaraderie of the corps, then the Marshals are the outfit for you. You'll never find a finer family."
"If you're down on your luck, and seeking a job with security, benefits, and steady pay, then look no further than the Colorado Marshals. It's a demanding job, a dangerous job, but because of that, a well-compensated one - and well-respected too."

Pirated Ross radio signal[ | ]


"Broadcasting from Ross Island. Hello, hello. The project has degenerated into warring factions. The candidates, they lied about everything. EVERYTHING!"

Secret admirer of the Rangers[ | ]


"I feel so much better now that you killed that awful cannibal Fish-Lips. He gave me the creeps! You're my guardian angel!"
"Honey bun! You arrested Valor Buchanan?! That's amazing!"
"You saved the Bizarre for me! Thanks, sweetie! Now you can take me on that romantic date for some pork buns! Can't wait!"
"Aw, sweetie! You knew I loved to take walks in the Garden of the Gods, didn't you? Thanks for getting rid of those Dorseys! Love ya!"
"Oh, you must have been so worried when you heard about all those hostages in Aspen, thinking I might be among them! Poor thing!"
"Darling! You shut down the Nightclub for me! That's so sweet! All that noise was disturbing my beauty sleep! Thanks, hon!"
"Hey, beloved! Do you miss me as much as I miss you? I miss you so much I wrote this poem about us. Want to hear it? Of course you do!"
"Always together / always apart / Never alone / Never."
"I'm always with you / just out of sight / Waiting for the right moment / that we can be together / Forever."
"I've been watching you, Ranger. Do you believe in love at first sight? Of course you do."
"When everything's dark / and you hear a whisper in your ear / Don't be afraid / It's not a cannibal / or a psycho / or a bandit / It's just me / saying I love you."
"Do you like it?"

"Hope you liked my poem!"
"Miss you, pookie!"
"You're doing great. Love you!"
"Now he can be the witness at our wedding, just like I always wanted! Oh, what would I do without you?! Smooches!"
"But I was never near the place! Thanks for saving all the hostages! You're still my hero!"
"I saw it in your soul the first time our eyes met. You were with your squad, being heroes in Colorado Springs, I was... well, you know where I was, and you can come see me any time."
"Until then, stay safe out there, sweetie. Can't wait to see you again."

Red Skorpion hate[ | ]


"Your days are numbered, Desert Rangers! The Red Skorpion Militia... wipe you out! Danforth... just the beginning!"
"You got nothing left! Your fucking Citadel... But we're still here, and we haven't forgotten what you done."
"You can't hold out forever. Won't be long... on your knees. Then you're gonna fucking pay... Tick tock... tick tock..."

Refugee calls[ | ]


"Is anybody out there? We're tryin' to get to Colorado Springs."
"Raiders burned my town. Most everybody was killed or taken away. The rest of us, we've been runnin' for days."
"I got women and little children with me. No food. Not much more'n the clothes on our backs. We need help."
"But who is even listening? Who would care? We're... we're going to try to make it to Colorado Springs. Then we'll be safe."

Robots and Rangers LFG[ | ]


"Calling all Rangers! Red alert, red alert! The city of Phoenix is under attack by a rogue AI and its horde of killer robots!"
"Are you bold enough to make the dangerous trek across the wasteland to reach the city? Can you discover the AI's secret weakness and defeat the robots?"
"If you crave adventure, the Colorado Springs Gaming Club wants you! We play Robots & Rangers every Tuesday night, and we're looking for a few heroes to join our party!"
"We've got the rules and the dice; all we need is your imagination! Oh, and snacks. This is Ranger Control, signing off!"

Soviet automated broadcast[ | ]


"Все, что наметила партия, выполним!"
"20-й пятилетке - энергию конкретных действий!"
"За коммунизм!"
"Выполним досрочно задание третьего года пятилетки!"
"За коммунизм!"
"Всегда будь готов к защите завоеваний социализма!"
"За коммунизм!"

"Everything that the party has outlined, we will do"
"20th five-year plan - the energy of concrete actions"
"For communism!"
"Let's fulfill the task of the third year of the five-year plan ahead of schedule!"
"For communism!"
"Always be ready to defend the gains of socialism!"
"For communism!"

Santa's Christmas song[ | ]


"Opiates, sedatives/ Pills and drugs and dope/ Everyday is brighter with a bit of Santa's hope. (Hey)"
"Narcotics, stimulants/ Shots and tonics too/ Everything is easier with help from Santa's brew."
"Breathing in the Snow/ With a rolled up dollar bill/ O'er the fields of blow/ Laughing at the thrill!\n(HA HA HA)"
"A high as yet unknown/ Making noses bright/ \r\nWhat fun to crack another stone/ Pharmaceutical delights!"
"Opiates, sedatives/ Pills and drugs and dope/ Everyday is brighter with a bit of Santa's hope. (Hey)"
"Narcotics, stimulants/ Shots and tonics too/ Everything is easier with help from Santa's brew."
"A day or two ago/ I chased the dragon's tail/ Feeling rather frail/ I soon became quite pale."
"The high came strong and fast/ And soon my mind was vast/ I flew into an endless void/ And saw all history pass."
"Opiates, sedatives/ Pills and drugs and dope/ Everyday is brighter with a bit of Santa's hope. (Hey)"
"Narcotics, stimulants/ Shots and tonics too/ Everything is easier with help from Santa's brew."
"Everything's gone white/ My fingers gripped in fear/ Lost in an endless night/ The end is all too near."
"But soon this too shall pass/ I've found another bag/ Let's drop it in the cooking glass/ And smoke the final drag."
"Opiates, sedatives/ Pills and drugs and dope/ Everyday is brighter with a bit of Santa's hope. (Hey)"
"Narcotics, stimulants/ Shots and tonics too/ Everything is easier with help from Santa's brew."

SOS calls[ | ]


"Can anyone hear me? My name is Hannah O'Neil, and I'm in the mountains, ah, somewhere east of Aspen, I think."
"SOS... SOS... This is Hannah O'Neil. I'm... Oh god, I don't know where I am."
"SOS... SOS... This is... Hannah O'Neil. Storm's not letting up, and... I'm getting real cold."
"This... is Hannah. Don't know if you can hear me. Don't know where I am. Found a cave, and ate the last of the food."

"Was scouting a trail and got caught in an avalanche. Lost most of my gear, and there's a storm blowing in. This is an SOS. If you can hear me, please respond."
"Tried to make it down the mountain in the storm, but I must've gotten turned around. Food's running out. If anyone can hear me, please respond!"
"Gonna try to find a cave... Get some shelter. Don't know what else to do..."
"Not much left to do, so... I guess I'm gonna rest. Get a little sleep. Warm now. Don't worry. Gonna... be... okay..."

Story Time with Mr Funtimes[ | ]


"Mr. Funtimes here with another strangling yarn. This one about an astute student who learned how to love to... kill."
"Once, there was a little boy, who loved having pets. Oh, yes. Cats, dogs, squirrels, badgers, he loved them all. And he especially loved them in a nice big stew with a sprig of thyme."
"It wasn't until the boy met Little Annie that he began to develop... other interests. He began to ply Little Annie with gifts. Trinkets and tidbits from scrapyards wrapped in animal furs."
"Soon, Little Annie came to love the boy, and agreed to see him away from the adults. Thus, that little boy had finally lured his first human victim into his snare, his first trophy for his box of many knives."
"Mr. Funtimes here with a happy tale of two cities. It's often difficult to get along with your neighbors, but idealism can make for strange bedfellows."
"In the heart of California laid a den of depravity and sin, called Hollywood. The streets were rich with prostitution and dealers in drugs and alcohol. But then, God's Militia came and took root there."
"One might think that pleasures and pennance of the flesh would make for incompatible neighbors. But where there are absolutes, there are also exceptions in the extremes."
"So it was that a Dominatrix and a Torturer found common ground, and brought blissful peace with the unlikeliest of unions; in the unlikeliest of cities."
"It's Mr. Funtimes again with a harrowing tale of a man turned servant of death by his own pride and ignorance. Optimism may make you many friends, but pessimism can keep you alive."
"Deep in the south of Arizona, a farmer named Oliver awoke one morning to find his crops had grown to ginormous sizes. Melons the size of a prize heiffer, cucumbers that would put any man to shame."
"Believing that God had touched his ranch, the farmer invited all his neighbors to partake in a massive feast of his plentiful harvest. The effects of which were just beginning to take hold of him."
"With all his friends and family gathered 'round, Oliver opened his mouth to give thanks before... exploding into thousands of gelatinous bits of flesh, coating his friends and family, cursing them to the same fate."
"But with peace, comes complacency and laziness. Easily exploitable to those with a penchant for breaking, entering, and bleeding the occupants of those within..."
"So it was that my thirsty little knives came upon the scene. No flesh to cut... no cries to hear... only the inside-out bodies of failures... Such bitter, harrowing, dissapointment..."
"Mr. Funtimes to help you on your personal journey of discovery. The tools of your trade can make or break your ability to achieve success. Take this humble host's miniature knife collection..."
"As a child, I stumbled upon a box of razorblades left over from our ancient past. Upon playing with them, I soon became bloodied, as my skin tingled with the sweet release of pain."
"Desiring to bring this joyous feeling to others, I carved little handles for my razors from animal bones I'd collected. Perfecting a beautiful set of hundreds of tiny, unique, lovingly crafted knives."
"Should we ever meet out in the real, I'd be happy to introduce you to each and every one of my lovely, little children... One by one."

Wacky Payaos broadcast[ | ]


"Script Node 1
"Give a man a fire, and he'll be warm for a day. Set a man on fire, and he'll be warm for the rest of his life!"
        "::chainsaw buzz:: "Hey! Wanna hear something fani?"
"Feeling hopeless? You ever look around at the shithole you're living in and just want to watch it all burn?"
"HAHAHAHAHAHA! That shit never gets old, am I right?"
"Think it's all a sick joke? We get you, cabrón. Join los Payasos, and we'll put a fucking smile on your face."
        "::tortured screams::
        "::tortured screams::"

War on hugs[ | ]


"My fellow Americans, this is your President. I'm here to talk to you about, well, about an urgent situation, a hidden crisis that threatens, well, the very existence of our shining city on the hill."
"I'm talking about, well, an epidemic that destroys families and weakens our entire community. I'm talking about the insidious effects of... hugs."
"Hugs weaken the spirit. They ruin the sense of self-reliance this great country was built on. I can proudly say that, well, I am where I am today because I was never exposed to hugs as a child."
"That is why, as your President, I am declaring a War on Hugs. Together, we will eradicate this menace from our community, and, well, preserve the American way of life. My fellow citizens, just say no to hugs."

Cut broadcasts[ | ]

Air Force Academy Ruins

::tortured scream::

Better pay attention, Rangers. There's going to be a quiz at the end. That was the scream of a man who'd just lost his thumbnails. And this...

::tortured shriek::

... is the shriek of a man watching as the back of his hands are peeled back. COME ON, Delgado. Don't close your eyes. You don't want us to make sure you keep them open. WATCH, YOU RAVEN-STARVER. KEEP THOSE EYES OPEN.

Where are you, Rangers? Where areeeeeee you? There is only so much of Delgado's pain we can gorge ourselves on. Soon, he'd be nothing but gnawed-up bones and a ragged scream.

But maybe that's what you wanted. Maybe, that's what you were hoping for. That if you threw Delgado to the wolves, you'd keep them from your door.

Hey, Delgado? What do you think about that?

::tortured shriek:: Please-stop-fucking-stop-please-please-please-OH-GOD-OH-GOD-STOP-STOP-!!

... come on, Rangers. I'll make him regret every second you make me wait.

... don't-don't come here, leave me to die, just-save-my-family-save-them-save-save-save-OH-GOD-OH-!! ::tortured shriek::

Don't bark unless I tell you to, whelp. But since you insist... ::slicing flesh::

... rrrrrnnnngggggh.

Scream, pup.

... nnnggggghhh-STOP-STOP-STOP-STOP-STOP-ST-!! ::tortured shriek::

There we go, pup. I like the sound of that. Rangers, when are you going to hide under your mothers' skirts and make your way here? There isn't much Delgado left to plaaaaay.

::tortured screaming::

... the hand's such a remarkable appendage, isn't it? So many bones. So many little joints. You can snap off one and the rest just keeps working. Here, Delgado. Look. I'll show you.

::tortured screams::

I'M GETTING BORED, RANGERS. Where are you? I knew you were cowards, but I didn't know you were completely spineless. Come on, come on. Come to the Air Force Academy. We're waiting and the pack is getting hungry.

::compulsive screams::

... at least we've still got Delgado to play with.